joke

Cat Heaven

Cat Heaven 

Cat- Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat “you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know”.

The cat thinks for a moment and says “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

The Lord stops the cat and says “say no more” and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?”

The Lord says “say no more” and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you are here?”

The cat stretches and yawns and replies “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!” :)

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Fart Football

Fart Football

Fart Football

 

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, “seven points!”.

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied “it’s fart football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown! Tie score…”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, “Aha, I’m ahead 14 to 7″

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.” :)

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